Father's Day

It has been over ten years since he left this place. Left this place for something better, something new, something everlasting. I miss him truly and I believe that I will forever. Throughout the years of course time has eased the pain and the tension, but there are still some days when I can't help but welcome him into my heart. There are times when I refuse him, refuse to let him into my space or refuse to believe that he wants me to know that he is there.

Yesterday, however, he would not be refused. He barged his way into my heart and got comfortable in his regular place and slept there for awhile, threw a fit, hugged the inside places and then, without me knowing, took his leave and promised that he would be back.

I never know when or how often he chooses to visit me, as I have no say so in the matter. But the loss of him makes me think about what I gained after him and after I lost that it makes me think about what I gained after that. This life I lead is all a revolving circle, pulsating to the beat of my very own heart. A day with mixed feelings, it was. A heavy day, most times I try to contain the heavy - place it in a box - just so I know where it is and so it doesn't escape my grasp. Enslave the heavy so that it has no time to breathe, not a moment to live - but as my sister says sometimes shit just gets heavy. So yesterday I let the heavy live in my day and breathe all of its miseries and beauties out on me.

A day of clarity, it was. I had originally thought that something had gone terribly wrong with my emotions - I couldn't/wouldn't cry. Not even when I was overwhelmed by the feeling of catharsis. I remember being at church and made myself suppress the tears that dared to come forth. I thought that I had finally allowed my heart to grow cold and had become stiff as a board. When the tears dropped and the head began to swim and emotions began to flow like free water after a drought. I was reassured that I was alive and well, dwelling in the land of the living.

I think I will love for the rest of my life, give myself, present my words as gifts, share my dreams and foster the mis-guided. No need in me swimming in the dark, because if I knew that then I would have no clue as to where the deep end begins.

I must tell you all not to worry about me. This girl, will be fine. She will be! Simply BE!

See what happens to me on Father's Day. Now I have to try to fix a situation that I may have disassembled and don't have the instructions to put back together.