What he did

I know that it gets rough. And yes it has been rough. I have been trying not to let things get to me, but what am I to do when there is nothing that I can do. Tis the season - you know to be merry and all that stuff. Well, I can't say that I am not. I am doing quite well. Just trying to get past all of the rough spots. This morning, I have to tell you. I was cold when I got in the car - because yes it gets cold in Las Vegas. I was sitting there having got in the car without letting it warm up. He put the baby in the backseat and came to give me a kiss, we exchanged a quick I love you and he ran in the house. As I was getting ready to pull off, he runs back out with a blanket for me. I knew that the heater would kick on and everything would be okay, but I just wanted to say...thank you for the blanket. We all need something to keep us warm when the thing/person that we really want is not able to be there and do it themselves.

We Still Here

Grace and Peace

I have been asked to give thanks. To write something on a daily basis. Something that says that I am thankful. Today, O woke up and I let her sleep in. I should have woke her up, because last year at that time she had me fully awake and on my way to the hospital. I was ready to meet her and she was pressing her way on into my life.

Happy Birthday to my J-Girl. I am so happy to have you around and so happy to see that you are all right and doing well. J-Girl, look at you. A whole 1 year old. I thank GOD for my J-Girl. Yes, I thank GOD for you!

Bliss

There is No Cure

My friend stated to me that she felt like giving up. I couldn't believe I was hearing those words coming out of her mouth. Although I was trying to be the best friend that I could be, I knew how she felt. I mean we are in our early and mid twenties, to us we should be on top of the game and not dragging slightly behind.

I felt a brief sadness for us. To have to deal with life. I mean who says that we have to deal with it. Giving up is certainly the easy part and at times I think that all of us want to just throw in the towel and scream Mercy! But there is no cure for sadness, it simply just must go. (I know that that is a mouthful)

Almost

I had almost forgot. Almost let my guards completely down. I was ready to rest, to believe and to trust myself within someone else's arms. What a fool I am! I was ready to part with my INDEPENDENT WOMAN ways and let him do what he said he would do. Truth is, I guess, I am too comfortable. Or, I was too comfortable. I now know that the time has not yet come for me to let go and truly put myself within someone else's arms. As much as I want to. I simply can not.

Today was my last at work. Well not official, but the last day is soon approaching. The only promise I have is a part time job that doesn't offer the benefits I need for my baby girl. I was okay with the fact that it may take longer than I had anticipated to find a good job worth working. Now, I am afraid. There are so many things that I want and so many things that I can't have.

My gut says that GOD will bless me and I will be able to do more than I ever dreamed. I believe GOD and all that he says. In HIM is where my faith lies. Soon I won't have to worry about the prices of pillows for my couch or the price of a nice pair of shoes for me. If I see a blouse or vase that I just love, I won't have to pass it up. And those pictures for my walls, I will have with ease. Oh, and a bed for my baby (how joyful), that would just make my heart smile if her mommy could go out and say I want the most beautiful bed for my baby. A bed that is almost as beautiful as she is. One day, GOD will bless.

One day, with all things considered, I will be happy.

For now, the plan is to get in position so that I will be ready for the blessing.

Smallness

I think about it almost on a daily basis. My strong tendency to think often and then to often think. Maybe I have been branded by too many misguided souls, that mine too, has been lost in the waves and currents. My many secrets, those that keep me from knowing my true self. Yes, those many secrets. The ones that come back even after such a long absence, they always return. They come in and show themselves and them again they fall into my mind and live there. My many secrets, no matter how small, they are with me.

I think about it almost on a daily basis. The smallness of it and never the bigness of it. I'd like to think that most people ponder on how big a situation is and how much it will affect their relationship with others and with God. At least, I'd like to think. My daily routine, which by the way, is not very routine at all, is affected by the smallness of it. It is so small, so minute, such a speckle...that it becomes as big as the world that surrounds me and suffocates me.

And I relish in it. In my secrets, my many secrets...that are so small. Yes, I relish in them, I do.

What Happened to Love

Thrown into the harrows of utter silence. I sit and weep. I miss what I once had. I miss how it made me feel. I miss how he loved me and how he did everything within his power to prove to me that what he was feeling was real. What happened to love. Did the idea of time and space happen to it? Did the world come along and take it along with the undeceive wind? Or did I happen to it?



Am I hard or difficult to love? I think that I do what is in my will to make him happy. I think...however, the truth can be a bit disheartening. The days go by and then the weeks and after that the months and eventually the years. They all come and go and soon I see myself reliving the same month that I did last year. Like clock work that month comes around again and I am there again. I try to count the hours and the minutes, but I fall short. Because now the moods are sporadic and heavy. I hate heavy...but I am there. In the same hour as I was last month and reliving the same minute.

Nothing is ever right. Nothing is ever good enough. I wish that I was somewhere else and doing something else. I wish that I had new air to breathe. I new place to open its arms wide and accept me. I wish that I knew what happened to love. I would chase and ask it what has it been up to. Why had it left me? Did it not like my home, was it not cozy enough. I would tell love that I miss it and I want it back. I would...I would...I would ask love to love me again.

Sinking in My Own Pain

Grace and Peace

I have not been here, but I have been a few places that I can recall. Places that I dare not step inside of again. I have to admit that things are not always what they seem. A smile can be the true opening to a pain that lies deep within. A pain that can not be overcome. Have you ever known that kind of pain? Gradually, at times, I think that I have almost overcome the pain, that perhaps I have conquered it. But then I find myself in this place. Still here, sinking in my own...